We humans learn behaviors from one another. We copy each other. We mimic. We’re subject to socialization. We’re programmed every day, from the moment we land in the doctor’s catcher’s mitt to think and act in ways that others want us to. Some of what we’re told or modeled is good. Some, middle of the road. And other stuff is down right dangerous to our identity.
The proverbial “man’s man” will have you believe that you need to play sports, grab your junk, womanize, drink, get in to fights, and have lots of money—to be a man. Who cares if you have a beard or can grow a mustache. That’s all total and utter nonsense. A feminist will have you believe you need to sit around with other women and gossip, braid each other’s hair, and otherwise adopt a decidedly feminine persona and abandon your natural male inclinations—to be a man. That’s also total and utter nonsense.
Unfortunately, there’s really nothing preventing these social pressures and our tendency to mimic others from leading us down either one of these truly destructive paths. From a very young age boys can easily become hyper-masculine or cross over gender lines where their masculinity is entirely extinguished—simply because they’re bombarded with the wrong messages and told to follow the wrong examples.
The key to survival then in a world with ever shifting views is to build your foundation on rock, not sand. Ignore the so-called experts and talking heads and take the time to discover what it actually means to be man—then put it into daily practice. You’re in charge. So here’s 5 Characteristics of Real Men that have stood the test of time, and can help you get started down the right path to:
1. A real man puts women and children first
When a ship starts to sink, real men put the women and children in the lifeboats first.
It’s just who we are.
When there’s a hostage situation, negotiators try to get women and children set free first.
It’s what society expects.
If someone breaks into our home, men tend to confront the bad guys.
That’s because men instinctively protect women.
As comedian Bill Burr says in one of his sets—there’s no such thing as a feminist in a house fire. And I don’t believe it’s disrespectful, chauvinistic, or bigoted to always put women first, treat them with respect, empower and support them, and protect them from harm. We may not always get it right, but we sure as hell should do our best to.
2. A real man isn’t afraid to show his emotions
Whomever first said men shouldn’t cry or show their emotions should be tarred and feathered, or at the very least waterboarded for a few days and forced to listen to Nickleback. Men have emotions just like women do. We may express them differently sometimes, but we have them all the same. Stuffing them down, hiding them, or pretending we don’t experience pain, anger, frustration, hurt, anxiety, sadness, and virtual cornucopia of other feelings is pure stupidity. And frankly, it’s not good for our psyche. Repressed feelings lead to all manner of mental problems.
In Homer’s The Iliad the hero Odysseus wept for his home, his loved ones, and for his friends who had died. The Bible is replete with stories of strong men who cried openly after experiencing loss. Medieval Japanese epics like The Tale of Heike reveal warriors who cried for their fallen comrades. Crying or expressing one’s emotions doesn’t mean we’re weak, pathetic, or feminine. We can still be the bastions of stability and share our feelings.
I’ve cried many times after dealing with significant carnage in the wake of disasters. I responded to a helicopter accident and watched a friend of mine burn to death—despite doing everything I could to save him, it wasn’t meant to be. I broke down. I’ve cried when people in my care died from their wounds. I’ve cried when my friends were killed in combat. I’ve cried when relationships have soured. I cried when my dog passed away. Hell, I sometimes cry at commercials. Real men cry, and it reveals strength of character; It reveals our humanity.
For the record though—there’s no crying in baseball. Ask Tom Hanks.
3. A real man doesn’t give up easily
That’s not to say there aren’t times you shouldn’t give up, especially after considering all of the options carefully. Sometimes you need to change directions—and that’s perfectly acceptable. But real men don’t give up easily. They don’t just throw the towel in because they got beat up a bit. They don’t quit when things get tough—they press on, persist, and persevere in the face of often overwhelming odds.
Being successful at anything (business, life, relationships, et cetra) requires effort; it’s is a process and all processes take time. Nothing worth having is every easy. Winston Churchill said that, “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” That’s always stuck with me. History is chalk full of wonderful examples of men who kept trying and eventually, after falling short over and over again, got where they ultimately wanted to go.
Consider someone like President Lincoln or Thomas Edison. The former failed miserably at multiple political campaigns until eventually being voted into the most powerful position in the United States. Had he quit after a few defeats, he’d never have been in office to help preserve the Union or free African Americans from the bonds of slavery. The latter, as you may have read before when asked by a newspaper reporter if he felt like a failure after having tried more than 9,000 times to invent the incandescent lightbulb simply said, “Why would I feel like a failure? And why would I ever give up? I now know definitely over 9,000 ways an electric lightbulb will not work. Success is almost in my grasp.”
4. A real man takes responsibility for his actions
Nobody, myself included, truly relishes the idea of being wrong. Real men don’t like to make mistakes—especially if that mistake is embarrassing or harmful to others. But a real man embrace them, take full responsibility for them, and uses the opportunity to grow. If I’m honest, I used to have a real problem with this particular characteristic when I was younger. Throughout my childhood up into my early twenties, I didn’t like to admit I was wrong—ever. Ironically, I mistakenly saw mistakes as weakness—and it cost me dearly.
Men who always have to be right suck to be around. They make the worst friends, husbands, and fathers. That pride, or whatever it is—is one of the worst behaviors a man can adopt. I know, I lost friends, damaged relationships with women I cared deeply for, and I lost opportunities that I might have otherwise enjoyed if I had pulled my head out of my ass earlier. But there’s good news—we all have the ability to change.
I eventually woke up and saw the error of my ways. Now, I’m happy to admit when I’m wrong, take responsibility, and seek to correct things. The sting of being wrong, of failing, or making mistakes is nothing compared to the damage being prideful can cause in every area of your life. I’ve learned that it’s exceedingly beneficial to me and others around me if I stop, take stock of my decisions, evaluate the results—and take responsibility for them. You should to.
5. A real man asks for and accepts help
Too often good men wait too far long to ask for help, if they ever ask for help. This is especially true if they’re dealing with emotional struggles. For example, the rate of suicide among military veterans in the US and UK is absolutely astounding. In large part that’s because men are told not to be “weak” and that asking for help is tantamount to being a pussy.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Real men understand that we can carry heavier loads together. In Proverbs 27:17 we’re told that as iron sharpens iron, men sharpen other men. That is, we can help each other be better men; we can hold each other accountable, lift each other up when we fall, and encourage each other to move forward. Scripture also tells us that a wise man has many counselors—so real men ask for, seek out, and accept advice from people who can offer guidance.
That’s help by definition—and it’s a good thing!
